Well, another week's gone by. Time flys sometimes. Just busy I suppose.

It's easy to let the distractions pile up till there's no real stuff left. I have had to obtain some literature on "saying no". Am yet to put the plan into action though. I'm happy someone wrote and reminded me that the journey can be as important as the destination. I'm a bit of an amateur philosopher sometimes and I have put down some words about the journey below. These words were spawned from musing on my recent coming-out/breaking-up/re-inventing-myself drama. They may appear to some to be critical of religion, but they are not meant to be. They're just critical of the way some people fall into religious convictions without giving them serious thought. I'm not one for standard religious beliefs of any sort, I don't have a capacity for them InMyDNA. Some of my best friends are religious though, and I value their opinions as much as those of my agnostic friends. So this is my two cents worth on religion, I wrote it down one lonely day, and I'm happy with it, so I thought I would share. This of course is my vision of how I would like to live, an ambition, something to live up to....

The journey.

The journey is the thing.
Search for good.
Act upon what you find.
Observe the effect of your actions.
How do you effect others?
How do you effect the universe?
Continue to learn.
Act according to what you learn.
Observe others and listen to them.
Find the good in what they say.
Listen carefully.
Act upon what you find to be good.
Remember the rest, but don't act on it.
Act only upon what you find to be good.
Continue the journey.
The journey does not end.
Embrace this.
Never rest.
Acknowledge the uncertainty.
Do not be discouraged.
Continue to try as hard as you can.
Don't be devastated by your mistakes.
Acknowledge that you will never know all.
Continue nonetheless.
The journey is the thing.

On God.

God is no use, if we don't have souls.
The two ideas are linked.
We cannot know the truth of either.
This tells us of the journey.
This is an acknowledgement of the uncertainty.
This helps us to journey on.
If we live this way and there are no souls, no god.
We have still lived a good life.
If we do have souls and,
If there is a benevolent god.
Surely it will be pleased.
If there is an evil god.
We are well prepared for the battle.

The paradox.

Accept that we can't know.
Look anyway.

InMyDNA

A week ago I began my blog and went off on a voyage of discovery, promising feedback on my return...

A day in a train is a long time for self reflection, quite a long time. Two days is too much, so I read a book. The story was called Possession, and struck a chord with me. It was also about changing sexuality and discovering sexuality, but in quite a different way compared to my story. But it made me think. Lots of people go through a lot of stuff, we're not all that different really.

The big smoke was a great experience. Three things which were the most profound:

1) Looking at the city from my point of view was amazing. The pointless tasks people do; the painful way they conduct their lives! And you can see that they are so stuck in it that they just can't see. I walked about a km down one of the busiest streets in the morning rush, passing cars all the way. All these people could have got out at the edge of the city and walked! Wouldn't that be better for global warming and global obesity rates..

2) Its almost obscene how easy it is to pick up blokes in the city. Equally, its depressing how few of them are interested in getting to know you, rather than getting you into their beds. I sure realised how naive I was pretty quick. Without going into details, for anyone out there thinking about copying my trip; think twice before you say yes! Have a chat with some female friends, try and get them to tell you what their mothers told them when they were 16. Yep, I suspect Mum always IS right...

3) Museums and galleries are great, but they're even better when you are totally on your own. I skipped lunch most days, and kept filling my head with details instead. Some of it was great, but I'm glad I had to come home, or my head would have filled up and exploded. The most trivial thing I learnt? The "Cutty Sark" was named after a shirt worn by a witch in a poem by Robert Burns. The most sobering fact? Of all the officers who accompanied Cook on his first voyage, only 2 made it home alive. The most beautiful thing? Not sure whether to go for medieval samurai swords or a painting of a "lightning man" (a being from aboriginal legends in the North West who brings the monsoon rains).

Actually, the lightning man reminds me of another story. When I saw that picture, I freaked out a bit. It's an impressive and dominating vision, but that wasn't all...

Late last year I was having trouble sleeping. I rolled around quite a bit, then finally dozed off. I was woken very suddenly, when "someone" pulled the blanket, rolling me over to face upwards. I opened my eyes and looked up. Looking down at me was a human like being, standing above me in the bed. It stared down at me with a white face, big dark eyes, and a stony expression. I thought a person with a white mask over their face. I was completely petrified. I had never seen anything like it before, and I have never been so afraid. I rolled away and rolled into a shaking ball. After a few minutes I forced myself to take another look, but the creature was gone. I didn't get back to sleep for a very long time, and when I awoke in the morning, I was still shaking. Somehow I managed to get ready for work and get there safely despite the shaking and nervousness. All day the slightest things made me jump.

What did I see? A ghost? I thought for awhile the ghost of an alien. Then I thought I had really lost the plot. Half the fear was "am I losing it?" and the other half was "what the hell was that?"

Then I saw it there in the museum. I was thunderstruck, and a bit shaky again. What did the lightning man want of me? I went back and looked at the painting a few times, and everytime the same thing struck me. That was what grabbed me in the middle of the night a few months before. The hairs are rising on the back of my neck even now, just remembering.

Most people would say I'm white. All my family lines have been here for a long time; mostly poor people; mostly country people. Some lines are impossible to follow. One ends in mystery in a western plains town in the mid 1800s. Who knows if I have aboriginal ancestors? I think a lot of us so called "white" people probably do. Maybe the Lightning man is InMyDNA....

 

Somewhere in the maelstrom where I live now, something caught me and now I have to try this blog thing. There was a story about a man who was sad, but headily anticipating the future; someone who had been places I have been; someone who wrote something beautiful which made me cry....Thanks Chris

Why do gay men sometimes get married? Why did I? Was it something that was InMyDNA? Was it something else? Will I ever get over this? If I do, who will I be? Who will be friends with me after I come out? Will I be able to count my children amongst them? How do grown-up gay men find a lover who isn't a one-nighter?

I'm off to the big smoke tomorrow (that's the city for you non-Aussies). I'm trying to put myself out there, overcome a life-long love affair with desperate shyness and thin skinned sensitivity wrapped in bullock leather.

I'll be back on the weekend, hopefully getting over these morose feelings; and I'll post a new story; hopefully a new horizon, and maybe a new perspective on the past.

OK. Gotta go. Two exciting days on the train and three terrifying days in the city to pack for...........